Monday August 25, 2003 3:22AM - My world is strange. I guess it's just the whole trading one set of complications for another thing going on. I have a romantic relationship with one of my best friends right now. I think things are good with it. Perhaps now even after nine months I'm a bit cagey. I lost a lot for this relationship, yet a small part of me still wants to go about and carouse. I suppose these urges are only natural and I've had no trouble keeping them in check. My only problem is how do I act around the other folks that I've had intimate moments with and feel like I'm not betraying the arangement I'm presently in? I'm not saying that I'm doing anything scetchy, but she's a bit of the nervous quasi-jealous type. I have my moments too, but I suppose I'm not as bad. Oh well more issues to think about. Things to come in life should prove to be interesting, I think I have a lot of possibility ahead *knocks on wood* perhaps I might be moving on from some of my old haunts and habits, who knows. -finis-
Thursday November 14, 2002 8:36 AM - Wow. I think I just got myself worked up about my health again. Oh well. I think I've calmed myself down well enough. I taught Brighton how to play chess tonight. It was suprisingly fun. I think I'd be an OK teacher. I've done well with it before. But Brighton is incredibly smart so that helps too. Well there's the open door to a taboo subject... Heh. The conclusion that Liz is like a pre-Ally McBeal Calista Flockheart was an entertaining one. Mr. Cloud? Why is the moon made of cheese? Mr. Sky the moon isn't made of cheese, it's made of rock. I'm going to rain now. Finis.
Tuesday November 12, 2002 1:55 AM - So I'm sitting at my parents' house watching the independent film channel. Unfortunately there isn't any kind of quirky film that has graced the halls of sundance on right now... All I get is some peroxide blond guy with a super-sayan hair style chitting to a dreadlocked psuedo-nubian sophisticato. Faced with that I was too lazy to simply change the channel so I've been reading Rolling Stone for about an hour. Excellent. Once Were Warriors is going to play on IFC, I've desparately wanted to see that for some time now. Once Were Warriors is centered around Maori characters in modern setting. I guess I have a weakness for austral-pacific settings these days. Speaking of weaknesses... I hate how I become attracted to people who I have absofrickinlutly no chance in hell with, but by that same token if we had met under different circumstances we would hit it off well in the romance department. The funny thing is I can't even be totally specific about it here since there's a chance that this (or that) person may read this little venting. Oh well. I really shouldn't bitch. I've made piss poor romantic decisions ever since Moe and I finally disolved our partnership. Not that I was making particularly great ones when her and I were together. At least I was in love. No person I've been with since I can honestly say that about. Now is about the time where I talk about how I'm simultaneously a horrible cynic and a hopeless romatic. The sad part is that the cynic wins more often than not as of late. Unfortunately the romantic nudges me towards positions that would alienate me to some of my friends (this is on several fronts too). Ah yes. To live as an honorable lonely cynic? or to be a pseudo fufilled friendless but satiated romantic? Now I have to wonder how much of my feelings are really just lust and how much is genuine affection... Upon imediate evalaution I would say that a fuckload is lust. But the affection is definately there. Ha ha.
Sunday July 28, 2002 6:41 AM - There's fog outside. I just got home from spending time with one of my dearer friends, I'm happy things are well between us. She's one of the people in my life that makes me happy no matter what. I just had a conversation with the neighbor's dogs, they don't seem to be happy being wet and kept outside. I guess this little entry is rather random. I dunno I think I'm rather random right now. I feel like I've had a reset of sorts. My attitude is much like it was when I was 19. I don't know how to explain that exactly. My friend was telling me that the internet is something that came from nothing. I responded that that's very Dao. We talked a bit more about it and I pointed out how when something becomes infinite it returns to nothing. I go now.
Tuesday June 4, 2002 10:04AM - As always, the thought of just dropping everything I have here and going off to commune with my only real god: The Road, have been plaguing me. I have a lot of good friends here and my life is comfortable. Is that what I need? I hate being stuck in one place like I am. My stasis needs a bit of entropy. Oh well, just goes to show that as usual I'm a lazy coward, waiting around for the Dao work on its own instead of steering myself somewhere beyond the current. I know entropy will come knocking soon.
Saturday February 23, 2002 5:17 AM - There is a profound lonliness I feel sometimes. Maybe it's more of an emptyness, a need to be filled. This whole idea of just me and the world is daunting, but I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that the sky will always be above my head and the ground beneath my feet, at least till I die that is. The pround meaninglessness of it all makes me want to weep. Nost for lost souls like me, but for those who will become lost. Nobody deserves to be alone, especially when they're surrounded by people they care about. The unfortunate thing is when people "know" you well and they have fixe concepions of you. Every once and a while you need to do something unexpected, throw them a curveball as it were, become romantically involved with life again. The again what do I know? I'm tired, stoned and my cat is sitting on my keyboard.... It's all very obvious ain't it? -finis
Saturday February 9, 2002 4:15AM - Sometimes I think I really should act on my impulses more. Granted, it'd get me into trouble sometimes, but I really think I'd be happier and I dare say more whole in the long run. You know what I hate... emotional tunnel vision. I think it's really a very dificult thing to snap out of. On one hand, you have, well, tunnel vison and you can't see past what you set you sights on. On the other, it's so warm and fuzzy sometimes too. Oh, wait those are just the chemicals in my brain making me high because I like somebody. Stupid brain, trying to run my life and all. I wish the damn thing would just turn off sometimes. I really do think too much. -finis-
Tuesday February 5, 2002 8:54PM - I saw my friend Rachel today, she's always so wonderful to be around because she's so thoughtful and inquisitive with her conversation. Me walking up and saying hi to her turned into an hour long conversation involving 3 other people besides me and her. We talked about many things, one of which was society and the conditioning it places upon you. Of course it turned into a whole gender issue thing, but no worries. We talked about free love and the idiotic expectations that our culture places on us in regards to our romantic lives. I think that on personal level I'm becoming more conscious of my own implanted pre-conceptions of how relationships are supposed to work. I will admit true liberation and god forbid, trancendence is a long way off. -finis-
Tuesday February 5, 2002 1:08AM - I can't help but feel that I made the wrong decision. Earlier today I felt fine, or at least thought I did. I'm empty. Not in the good way either. This isn't the ready to be filled kind of empty. This is the piece missing kind. This shell that I reside in feels resigned and defeated. This isn't the kind of defeat that I'm impassioned about and desaparately want to change but can't. This is the kind where I feel like I willingly took it and now can't do anything but live on with the emptyness resulting from my choices. Frankly I prefer the pain and FEELING of the former. I would have much rather taken the risk of being shot down and all that it entails... But I'm too much of self sabotaging no-risk taking coward for that. I don't know. I hope I did the right thing. I hope I haven't made one of the most prudent yet stupid decisions of my life. I do feel strong. But what good is a strong empty husk? I used to say "Don't worry about souls, they grow back." The statement is true enough, but nothing is quite as juicy and ripe as that first one you lost so long ago. -finis-
Sunday February 3, 2002 9:10PM - Well I just wrote something. But Frankly I need to vent again so I can get on with what I need to do. Yet another reoccuring theme in my life, every time I need to sit down and get something accomplished, my mind all of the sudden gets awash with other more emotionally potent things. I hate that. I've decided that computers give unconditional love. Well, maybe not. But it sure feels like it sometimes. Right now I just want to sleep, but I can't afford to. Stupid silly me. Breathe in. Breath out. Good boy. Do Math Homework.... Well it was worth a shot. Yummy green tea. I can see that this is going nowhere quickly, though I still have not enough focus nor desire to do my silly math homework. Curses. Energy waning. I go... *stares blankly at screen* -finis-
Sunday February 3, 2002 8:27PM - Earlier I was listening to NPR and this guy who talking about his deep meaningless experiences as a telemarketer was on. It was mildly entertaining so I kept it on, afterwards there was some guy talking about all of the polaroids he had and he described them one by one... Then it hit me me: Our society is rampantly aflicted with nihilism, myself included. Most modern "deep" pieces of art (all mediums) are caught up with illustrating the profound meaninglessness of everything. Now don't get me wrong, I think nihilism is a two edged sword, and appropriately people take to it in one of two ways: 1) They either take that fact that it's all meaningless anyhow as a sign that they can do whatever the hell they want and live with anarchistic abandon. OR 2) They sit there, dumbstruck with the cruel joke of their own existence and do nothing. Unfortunately I fall into the second category. Frankly I blame generation X for all of this. If weren't for the psuedo-existentialist Kevin Smith slacker profundity that those bastards perpetuauted, I don't think it would be quite as bad. On a more personal level (because this site is all about me) I don't think my hobbies help my world views any. I run around and pretend that I'm an uber-tragic creature of the night, either cursed to eternal living damnation or to fight an unwinable battle. Don't get me wrong, it's still fun, but I think it's seeping in a bit too much. Perhaps a break is in order. -finis-
Saturday February 2, 2002 6:40PM - Well, today over all was good. The one thing that I didn't like was that deep down, I don't think either of us will ever regard the other as an equal. Important realization yes. Happy one, no. Right now I'm sitting in her house brooding. I should go, but I suppose that would be impolitic. That tried and true masochist in me has stepped up to the plate again. I wish the bastard would go home. Maybe that's what I should do. I hate feeling like an invalid. I think part of it is because of this whole blood pressure thing. I don't like the fact that I'm forced to take medication to control it. But I'm still terrified of death so that keeps me taking the damn stuff. I remember there was a time in my life that it didn't scare me. I was happy with it in fact. I miss those times. I want to say I miss love too. But it's not like it ever left. I'm just bitter about the form it takes of late. I really need to get my life together. Find some kind of direction for it. One that means something. I'm sick of where I'm at, sick of what I'm doing and what I've acomplished... Which is nothing. Oh wait, the nihilist in me wants to say something: It's not like anything I do means anything anyways. Thanks, you can take your seat now. He just had to come out. Him and the masochist are good pals. Oi, lost my train of thought. More talk about imaginary things... I need more real things in my life. It's funny that the same rationale I used to use to justify not using halucinogenic drugs, "Reality is already screwed up and wonderous enough for me," is violated by my hobby of role-playing games. Maybe I should just try halucinogens. Perhaps it's time to seek out uncle peyote like I always said I would. Come to think of it I really need to go in the the wilderness. Gaia and I haven't had quality time in a long while. Perhaps I'll start planning and excursion to Granite Tors. Maybe I just need a fire. We haven't had a fire in a long while. The ties that bind are waning... that needs to change. -finis-
Thursday January 31, 2002 10:36AM - Mixed signals... I hate them very much... Right now myself and another are doing a dance of mixed signals. We're both doing it, it's not just the other person, because there's a whole lotta me in this fucked up semaphore going back and forth. Come to think of it it's mostly me... well maybe not... well maybe yes. Honestly I just can't make up my frickin mind on this person. Scratch that. I have made up my mind: They are beautiful, talented, charming, sharp as a tack and generally wonderful. They are also somewhat bull headed, neurotic and seemingly terrified of commitment. Also there are certain social webs that I am loathe to get entangled in that are attached to this one. The question is: is it worth loosing a friend over to persue this one? I still don't know if I'll take the risk... And I think perhaps I may have sat on my hands too long already. Curse you Mr. Brooks for wanting to take the middle path. -finis-
Thursday, January 24, 2002 9:40AM - You know what I hate? When it's inappropriate to share your feelings with somebody because the timing is off. Through out my fabulous life circumstance has been a most horrid bitch to me on this subject in particular. I guess it's not supposed to be easy though and I will admit I am reserved almost to my detriment at times (well there's really no almost about it)... Other times though my inner romantic wants desparately to say things that are probably premature... I suppose it's nice having this balance... wait, HELL NO. It's not nice. It's like simultaneously having the stodgyest member of the British House of Lords and Richard Simmons trapped in the same body... I HATE IT. BLARG! bn bvg bvgfv (that was me banging my head against the keyboard) Perhaps I should live my life with careless abandon, because this probably the only one I get, no matter what crap I desparately want to belive at the moment. Yay, I could become a wonderful hedonist, contract HIV and give it to all my friends who I would seduce... Um, ok. I feel the guilt rolling on in now that I wrote that. Back to my initial topic... Like I was saying, circumstance always has to make the situation more complicated than it needs to be. I always get put into some position where it would be impolitic to follow my heart (sappy, non?). I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY "No Tyler, that would be wrong, no matter how much your life might be fufiled and you might break those 12 little points that you so stupidly took seriously when you recited them every Tuesday since you were 8 to 19..." AND WHY DOES IT COME BACK TO THAT!? What the hell is it with this honor crap?! *pretend I'm saying this next one in a squeaky nasaly goody-goody voice* "Because it's the only thing they can't take away from you." That's total crap. EVERYTHING gets taken away in one way or another. Just as you built one thing you have to start another over from scratch. God, I sound like some two bit angsty stand up comic... with my own sitcom. Well I don't know how to wrap this up on a good not so I'm juts going to wrap it up. -finis-
Thursday, January 03, 2002 1:11 PM - It's not often that I do two entries in one day... But sometimes you just have to get crap off your mind. Recently I was bequeathed some info that I really... am uncomfortable with. It makes me dislike females even more on a certain level since it came from one of the women that I most admire and look up to. Scratch the misogynism. I'm just sad. Sad that I comforted a friend and lent him my confidence and now I myself am not confident on the issue. It distresses me. I feel like I've lied to to this person. I know I haven't but it still bothers me. *resignative pause* I can't foresee these things, so there's nothing I can do about it. I'm talking with him online as I write this, and I have promised to skirt around certain facts when I deal with him. Oh well I was like him when I was 19. It's that first harvest of idealism that's always the worst. It gives me sorrow that I had something to do with his. Weeping is not an alien concept to me at the moment. -finis-
I have sailed upon the troubled seas; I have lied beneath the bloody sun
I have slept within the starless void; I wonder now... have I won?
(cheesy verse from yours truly ;-) )
Thursday, January 3, 2002 8:48AM - So I've decided that if any woman tells me she thinks I'm cute not to believe them. I'm goddamn tired of women telling me that I'm cute and sweet and nice, and they would so date me if they didn't have a boyfriend and that any woman who gets me is lucky and that they aren't good enough for me and that they don't deserve a guy like me GOD FUCKING CJRIST SHIVA I need to get laid! well maybe not. fuck. Females piss me off, they piss me off because they're two faced ass demons the whole lot of them. (I will disclaim that I am in fact a sensitive caring man, lover and human being) The thing is when dealing with said ass demons I tend to loose all semblance of a spine... mmmmm Burritos. I stole some from Kelli's fridge. I'm still house sitting for her. I interact better with burritos than I do females.... I've decided. Except I imagine burrito sex isn't as satisfying... (to me anyhow) so I talked with this EMT from Canada online today she was really manic and cute. She's a leo too... Yeah I dated a really manic and cute leo girl before... hrmmmm. I have doubts it will go ANYWHERE BECAUSE NOTHING EVER DOES. yay. The though has crossed my mind that saying things like that is self sabotage. It probably is. she really was cute. ... The whole root of the the self sabotage thing lies in the misplaced desire to remain humble I think. That really sounds fucked up doesn't it? I think I have a feeling that any of these things that I write stream of conciousness like this (kinda), will revolve around my issues with women. How Woody Allen of me... Some time I wish I was Jewish. but then don't we all. The wheezey angst, we have to have the wheezey angst. Weezie!!! get me some pie!!! oops. well I think I'm going to stop now, and waste more of my time playing that silly Vampire Redemption game. Hoo-fucking-rah. Oh wait Brighton comes in Friday! yay! She's always entertaining, and a good conversationalist, with me anyway... hrmmm. why was I carefully forming my thoughts around what I was going to say about Brighton... I think people walk on eggshells way to much when they're around her and Rob. *there is a distinct pause here* I should call James Sammons later today. Look it's Dennis!!! -finis-
Sunday, December 30, 2001 4:42AM - So I've decide to do a weblog thing... Yeah. I just got done playing role-playing games with some of my peeps, it was entertaining but I think some of them felt left out. Partially my fault I suppose, but partially their's for not being as participtory as they could have been. My dorkdom never ceases to amaze me at times, but I do think that if the world solely populated by dorks we wouldn't have as many... WhAT aM I SayIng???! Things would be worse!!! Maybe I'll stop now while I'm ahead...
For questions, coments, conspiracy theories, refutation of established religious dogma, etc. email me at hobo@cryogen.com -thanx
